What to Watch Tonight: What Are These Shows? Edition

Obviously I'll be tuning into Dance Moms tonight to watching how Supreme Dictator Abby Lee Miller crushes the hopes and dreams of the innocent, but I think I'll check out Splash too, just so I  can legitimately ridicule it. Here's what else is on tonight:



8PM, ABC; Series Premiere: After training with professional divers for weeks, five celebrities face their fears as they flip and twist into the pool.

Can you hear my big old sigh through the computer? What's next, Extreme Celebrity Knitting?

Dance Moms


8PM, Lifetime:  The girls prepare for a group number that is a tribute to Rosa Parks.

Is there ANYWAY this episode is not going to be offensive? (Spoiler: no.)

How We Invented the World


9PM, Discovery; Series Premiere, 2 episodes:  How the sinking of the Titanic, Frankenstein’s monster, and actress Hedy Lamarr inspired the development of the mobile phone.

Someone was smoking a lot of weed when they came up with this episode, weren't they?

Little People, Big World: Conquering Mount St. Helens


10PM, TLC:  Matt builds a schoolhouse in secret as a gift for Amy.

And Amy needs a schoolhouse why?

Are We Alone?: The Definitive Guide to Aliens


10PM, Science:  Episode Title: What to Expect

There's a pregnancy joke in here somewhere, I can feel it. 

Urban Tarzan


10:30PM, Spike; Series Premiere:  A gun toting chimp must be wrangled.

WHY WOULD YOU GIVE A CHIMP A GUN!? Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?