Gay for Xenu?

So before I write anything at all about Scientology, I want to acknowledge two things. First, Scientology is a notoriously litigious religion/cult/group of psychopaths. Second, satire is a form of protected speech under the first amendment, so suck it.

Hey John Travolta, whatcha doing over there?

Hey John Travolta, whatcha doing over there?

With Tom Cruise’s last divorce (his third!) rumors have predictably and inevitable begun re-circulating about his alleged flamingly gayness. Rumors such as: he’s not Suri’s bio-dad, his marriages to Katie and Nicole were huge shames, and he likes to have sex with men.

Lucky for Tom he’s not alone in his possible closetedness - he has a whole network of gay celebrity Xenu lovers to talk to. Likesuchas:

John Travolta


I meannnnnnn, look at the face. How is this surprising to anyone? Johnny, not only had a six-year affair with his very male pilot (allegedly, allegedly, of course I mean allegedly,) he also is in the middle of a five different lawsuits from hotel masseurs who were groped during a massage.

Will Smith



There have been quiet rumors about Will since his Fresh Prince days, but now that his marriage to Jada is getting bumpy, the rumors are starting to amplify. FOR INSTANCE, word on the street is that his BFF Duane Martin (yeah, I had to Google him, too) is actually his boyfriend.

Personally, I wouldn't be surprised, but I wouldn't be surprised if every single man in Hollywood is gay. I mean, how many straight boys were in Theater Club in your high school?

Jenna Elfman



There actually aren’t any rumors about Jenna Elfman being a lesbian, but that doesn’t mean I can’t start them.

Note: There is nothing "wrong" or "dirty" or "shameful" about being gay. Love who you want! IT'S ALL FINE!

Anyone have any good theories about why all the (maybe, possibly, definitely not proven) gayness in Scientology? The only things I can come up with are: that since Scientology claims to be able to “cure” homosexuality, gay stars join in hopes that they’ll start liking the opposite sex OR that the church has some evidence proving they’re gay, and they blackmail them with that evidence to force them to join so they can take all their money.

Thoughts? Discuss.