Back in September of 2012, LiLo took to Twitter and made sure everyone and their mother knew she was not part of the alleged Scientology wife auditions for Mr. Cruise that took place back in 2004.
Well thank goodness she cleared that up.
Wait, what are we saying!? This could be just what LiLo needs! Everyone knows she needs help cleaning up her act.
Wow, Linds, no need to be so hard on yourself.
Think about it: Scientology allegedly has all these crazy machines and programs that can help change you (for example if you're gay, Scientology has got the answer to that!) Rehab and prison haven't worked for Lindsay, so maybe she needs to try something a little stronger. Something several Thetans stronger (or whatever measuring unit Scientologists are using these days.
We know Lindsay can't quit her attention grabbing routing for good, and what better stunt to pull than to marry one of the biggest whack jobs out there? Sure, Suri might have more class than her potential step-mother, but maybe LiLo can learn a thing or two from Xenu's little princess.
We can't even say that money could be used to sway Lindsay, as she's refused money several times from Charlie Sheen, who wanted to help her with her tax debts. Girl needs a lot more help than just in regards to her financial issues. She needs a solid role model. As an older, more mature person, Tom could be like the father figure Lindsay desperately needs to replace...
Wait, now this is getting weird, we take that last comment back.
This needs to happen. Tom Cruise, we're calling you out (we're holding back from making a joke about his sexuality, aren't you proud of us?) - it is your mission, if you choose to accept it, to marry and save Lindsay Lohan.
If you don't, she's bound to self destruct.