Do you remember the good ol' days of Maury Povich, where every episode was NOT a paternity test? Like when he had on Jack Hanna and cute animals, or people with absolutely ridiculous phobias?
But the absolute BEST of Maury's wacky show back in the day was when they held their "Man or Woman" pageants. A dozen or so beautiful "ladies" would strut about in formal wear, bathing suit wear and perform a talent, all while audience members would go back and forth deciding if the she was really a she.
Seriously, audience members would get all CSI/SVU/NCIS up in there, pointing out hand size, hip placement and cheekbone structure that determined if what they were looking at was a man or woman.
So, why are we bringing any of this up anyway? We've placed ourselves in the role of "Maury Show Audience Sex Expert" (official title!) and have come to believe that there is a he out there that isn't really a he.
Ladies and Gentleman, we present the top 5 pieces of "proof" that Justin Bieber is actually a girl.
1. He Did Not Get Mariah Yeater Pregnant
Have your parents sat you down and told you all about the birds and the bees? No? Oh God, this is gonna be awkward...okay so when a man loves a woman....
Anyway, look: if you want to make a baby, you need one man and one woman (unless you have a super cool scientific lab somewhere, then I'm sure anything is possible.) So when Mariah Yeater popped up and said she had sex with Justin backstage and pooped out this little miracle 9 months later, we were skeptical.
Then we became hella skeptical when Justin practically shouted "LET'S DO DNA TESTS, I'LL PROVE THAT THING ISN'T MINE!"
Why? Because sex between two girls doesn't produce a baby. BOOM! Science all up in your FACE! We aren't speculating if JB is a lesbian, but if he-she-it is, still no babies being made. Smart move, Justin.
2. Boobgate Scandal 2013
Do you have eyes? (I don't think our blog comes in braille just yet...) Good, so you can clearly see what's happening in this picture: Our Boygirl JB is groping a fair amount of fan boobage.
Simple, right? No.
The photo was posted and then removed from Bieber’s official fan site, Bieberfever.com. Um, okay, that's not questionable or anything. Super not questionable now that both parties are denying it, too.
First of all, let's just take a moment to appreciate the fact that Fox News has deemed this worthy to cover.
What young blooded man denies copping a feel? If JB really is the bad boy he'd like us to believe, he should be all over the social media circuit like "YEAH, I FELT IT, WHATCHU GONNA DO ABOUT IT!?"
So we're guessing Justin isn't a lesbian after all...
3. This Face
Just LOOK at that face! Daaaaaayum, you lookin' real lady-cute over there, JB. Go on, tell us that is not one pretty face!
You know who gets both ears pierced? Ladies.
4. He Suffers from PMS
JB, honey, it's okay. Billions upon billions of women suffer from PMS, you don't need to hide it like you're just being "grumpy." Your fans care about you and don't want to see you in pain, so you should just admit that it's that "time of the month" and they will send you so many chocolates and cramp medications that you could have a mansion devoted to just those two things (this sounds like a pretty sweet idea, actually.)
Also, JB, check in with your gynecologist she should be able to give you something to keep your crazy lady hormones in check. :)
5. Not only is he a lady, but he's a time traveling lady!
This is the cover of an album called "12,000 Girl Scouts Sing America's National Favorites" that was released in the 60's. The picture appeared on Reddit, titled "Justin Bieber was a Girl Scout in the 60's?"
Yeah. That's totally Justin Bieber. I mean, COME ON! We do not need to call in a forensics team to prove that this is on point. By now, you should totally be not shocked about Justin really being a girl, but JUSTIN IS A TIME TRAVELER.
With that being said, Justin is kind of a dick for not using these time traveling abilities to, you know, stop Hitler, but I guess cookies were a big deal. Go figure.
That's our top 5, Insticators. Got a counter argument? We'd love to hear it! Drop us a line in the comments or over at our Facebook page.
P.S. If Bieber is a lesbian or just a gay boy, that's cool. We love and support all walks of life.
Except for Hitler.
Well, you get the point, Insticators.