Happy New Year! The dawning of 2013 (HAHA, SUCK IT ANCIENT MAYANS, WE STILL HURRRR!) brings about an opportunity for change.
We've taken a good look around, and some things needs to change. Ladies, pull up a chair and listen in. This is the shit you need to stop doing in 2013.
1. Saying Ridiculous Things Before, During or After Casual Sex
Things girls need to stop saying before sex:
"We really shouldn't"
"I barely know you"
"My Boyfriend won't be back for an hour and I have a mouth like a hoover vacuum"
Things girls need to stop saying during sex:
"It's never made that noise before"
"Thats the wrong hole..."
"Choke me and pull my hair but make me feel like a princess while you do it"
Things girls need to stop saying after sex:
"I've never done this kind of thing before"
"I need the pill"
This is EXACTLY what people who engage in casual sex do, so who are you really trying to kid? Look, you're opening line shouldn't be "Hey, I like to bang anything with a penis," but use a little tact. Saying this will not make him sit around before, during or after your little "touching parts" party thinking "Wow. I must be really special for her to decide I would be the first guy she did this with. I'm very lucky and will text her everyday in order to pursue a relationship with her, starting by going on Facebook and looking at her interests." No. Let me break down what's actually going on.
Before: He's looking forward to getting his dick wet.
During: He's getting his dick wet.
After: He's thinking about the next time he's going to get his dick wet.
Now that we're all on the same page about that one, you can save yourself a little dignity. You're welcome.
2. Setting Time Oriented Goals Mentally, Where You Have Little Say on the Outcome
You do this, or you have at least 1 friend who does it. Does what, you ask?
- Married by 28
- First Child by 31
- Divorced by 38
- Sleeping with my child's tennis instructor by 43
Hold up, I don't even know what I'm wearing tomorrow, how the hell did you just plan out your whole life? Baby steps, Chicas, baby steps.
his mental plan make you feel better? Has it ever actually worked? Is it something you do so you can convince yourself that your mental plan is better than a rivals? Okay, my turn. By the time I'm 26, I'll have a sweet ass mansion, lots of exotic animals in my menagerie (this bitch is gonna have at least 2 Pudus), a minor position in the British government, 10 bajillion dollars, my own reality show and Javier Bardem, Benedict Cumberbatch and Bradley Cooper will all be my love slaves. By the time I'm 26.
Yeah, check back in June and I'll let you know how that turned out
3. Emulating Reality Show "Celebrities"
There is a special place in hell for reality show stars and girls who make sex tapes to become famous.
You see these chicks above here? These are the people who you should NOT be idolizing. 2 of them are really only famous because of their sex tapes and the other is famous for being a dwarf from Middle Earth with a pickle fetish.
When I heard Snooki was pregnant, I went to church and started praying to the Lord that he would put the fetus in a more responsible woman's uterus. No dice.
Who wants to be like people who say this kind of shit!?:
Kim, you are so right. Cancer, starving children, rape and murder don't even come close to how bad it is when a woman wears the wrong color foundation. Bless you, Saint Kimmy.
Yes Snooki, that's the preferred method of transportation for the undead: baby monitors.
I say go hard or go home. Either find a better, saner role model, or make a sex tape and let it "leak." We don't have time or patience for any of this middle ground shit you're pulling.
You know what's really fucking awkward? When you're talking to this guy you're interested in, and you bring up a fact about him that he hasn't shared with you because you found out from his Facebook. That shit is creepy as all hell.
You're not Sherlock Holmes or Inspector Gadget, so stop snooping around for clues on who he likes, what he likes to do, what brand of underwear he wears, etc. etc. You're just coming off as a desperate whack job who will probably be forever alone because you spend all your time Facebook stalking.
5. Duck Face
This probably should have been number one. Stop this shit immediately. I don't know which ass hat decided this was a cute look, but it's not. If Ducks could use the internet (that would be hysterical,) they would probably be so ashamed that their species had become associated with this that they would all start committing Seppuku (which, when you think about, would also be hysterical. Ducks with swords? Oh calm down, PETA, it's a joke.)
that you didn't even have to pay thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery for. You're welcome, again.
Ladies, take this advice with stride and don't get your panties in a twist. Next time, we'll cover the Top 5 Things Guys Need to Stop Doing in 2013. Leave suggestions in the comments below!