Everyone has their favorite version of Real Housewives. I tried Real Housewives of New York City for a while, but when Countess LuAnn de Lesseps came out with "Money Can't Buy You Class" she apparently forgot money can't buy you talent either. I'm going to let the video speak for itself:
No, truly my heart belonged to the heavily be-weaved cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta. The cast has gone through some changes, but the crazy keeps on pumping out all the same. Take Phaedra, for example. I have zero ideas as to what it is she actually does for a living.I think she's a lawyer, and I think she runs a funeral home? That last part is fitting, because seriously, Phaedra looks like an opulent vampire who is just waiting to pounce if it means she can get that 24k gold toilet for her bathroom.
I swear on one of Kim's 93456928 wigs that if Kenya mentions she was Ms. USA one more time, I am going to drive to Atlanta and have my dog urinate on her crown. This of course will accomplish nothing and I'll probably do a little time in jail (just breaking and entering, I'm pretty sure dogs can pee where they like) but I will feel a little justice has been restored to the world. I don't know what it is about Kenya, but the minute she stepped on screen I thought "Now...this is a hoe I would like to punch in the face"
Then there is Porsha, and bless her little heart. I just want to scoop her up and carry her around all day, protecting her from the cruelties of the world. While trying to get NeNe and Cynthia to do a PSA for Feed the Hungry, my little poo-bear pops out this gem:
In the most recent episode, Cynthia pours a $200 bottle of wine down the drain, while I sat and wept openly. Granted, the wine was no longer good, but I bet if you mixed it up with a little of Honey Boo Boo's Go-Go juice, it would taste just fine. Cynthia rarely brings enough drama for my liking, so personally I could stare at a picture of Capybaras and be more entertained.
Sure, there are other housewives on the show, but let's just get to my favorite. The Goddess known as Kim Zolciak.
For several seasons, Kim was in a relationship with someone only known as "Big Papa". We never saw this elusive Big Papa (I started to think of him as Big Foot) but Kim made sure we heard all about him and the gifts he was bestowing upon her. When that didn't work out (I think it had to do with him being, ya know, still married) Kim decided she was a lesbian and entered a relationship with a female DJ. Then, after some months she decided that penis was right for her and ended the relationship. I guess if Anne Heche can do it, why not Kim?
In Sunday's episode, Kim's oldest child Brianna tells the again preggers Kim (that's 4 kids now, for those keeping count) “There’s this wonderful thing God created and it’s called birth control. You’re going to take it and I’m going to make sure of it.”
Well hot damn. If you're eldest child (who herself was a mistake) is telling you to take birth control, you may need to reevaluate your situation.
Sadly, Kim is leaving Housewives and moving on to another reality show, which means I'll be forced to put down my bag of Cheetos and change the channel if I want to follow her antics. Inconvenient. I'm gonna let Kim take us out with a song of her own.
Hey, LuAnn! Take note! This is how you get the drag queens up on the dance floor.