So KimYe is Having a Baby...

Most people woke up this morning like I did, excited to get drunk and ring in the New Year or a sense of dread at having to avoid the drunken assholes ringing in the New Year.

So everything was pretty copacetic till I glanced at The Daily News announcing Kim Kardashian is preggars with Kanye West's baby. 

What? No. One gossip rag cover a few weeks back said Kim and Kanye were expecting twins, but once you read the article, you discovered it was a quote taken out of context where Kim said it's her dream to have twin girls one day. 

Turns out, I'm wrong on this one. Kim is most definitely knocked up with Kanye's baby at 12 weeks pregnant.

The Mayan's were wrong...the apocolypse is in approximately 6 months.

Um, Yay?

Um, Yay?

So how did they drop the news? In a totally classy and tasteful way as such:

So romantic. My favorite part is how he doesn't mention Kim by name, so in fact, Kanye could be shouting out 27 other women he has impregnated.

Now look, Kanye. I ain't saying she a gold digger, but we're talking about the woman who made over $11 million dollars over her televised (2 part!) wedding to Kris something or other (you know, the wedding where she had 3 different dresses from Vera Wang?)

Another thing, Kanye. You realize she isn't even legally divorced yet, right? That's right, whatever his name is (Chris Kirkpatrick?) and his team of lawyers have drawn out the process of granting Kim a divorce, even though they separated over a year ago.

Dude. Let her go. Be like Nike and just do it.

Kanye, maybe you need to listen to your own advice...

18 years, 18 years.
She got one of your kids, got you for 18 years
— "Gold Digger" by Kanye West

If shit goes haywire, everyone and their mom knows that Kim will get every penny possible from Kanye for child support. Not that she would actually need it. Her fetus is probably going to get it's own reality show.

But wait, what's this?

Pregnant twinsies!!!1!!!!1

Pregnant twinsies!!!1!!!!1

This means that Kimmy is going to pop out her youngin' around the same time as Kate Middleton. Oh boy...

Yo! Duchess of Cambridge - I’m really happy for you and Imma let you finish and all. You have a great baby coming, but my baby mama is gonna have the GREATEST baby of all time! OF ALL TIME!
— Not actually said by Kanye...yet.

Just great. Kris "Pimp Mother of the Year" Jenner is going to publicize the hell out of this (like she wasn't going to anyway) and start name dropping Kate Middleton like they are BFF's. Let me spell it out for you, Kris: just because they are pregnant and expecting at the same time does not mean the two are magically connected. Got it?

Kim said she would never televise her wedding again (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) but I swear to Ryan Seacrest, we need to have a 5 part baby shower mini series to see the ridiculous (read: a baby carriage covered in diamonds with it's own rims) gifts KimYe is going to receive. You can all head out to your bookies now and start taking bets on the gender of the baby and what stupid ass name it's probably going to have.

Have a Happy New Year, Insticators! Don't be one of those drunk assholes tonight! ;)