Top 5 Pieces of "Proof" that Tom Cruise is Gay

The rumor mill has been cranking for years that famous actor Tom Cruise is gay. This has been going on for so long that Cruise, even if he is completely heterosexual, should just say he is gay so that the media can turn it's gay witch hunt on to somebody else (we're looking at you, John Travolta.)

In fact, in light of his split from Katie Holmes, the gay dating/social networking site called Manhunt has offered Cruise an unlimited lifetime membership!


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While there's no concrete proof  that Cruise is actually gay, let's take a look at the top 5 pieces of "proof" that suggest he isn't as straight as he wants us to believe.

1. Family Guy


We're not sure about you, but when we check our facts, we go straight to the source for all that is just in the world, Fox's Family Guy, which tells us that Mexican kids like to play with ball-in-a-cup toys, guys drink beer with each other every night, and Renée Zellweger is ugly. It's also taught us that Tom Cruise is gay. Very gay. In one telling episode, Katie Holmes' ankle-tracking device malfunctions, she screams, "I'm free," and she unleashes a cage full of hunks being held captive. If you're waiting for Cruise's lawsuit to drop, remember that Family Guy is protected under free speech rights. It's a parody. They're making fun.

Of course, let's not forget this oh so subtle nod from our friends at South Park:

2. Mimi Rogers



Sweet 80's attire, bros

Sweet 80's attire, bros

Cruise's first wife reportedly said later that their divorce was the result of a lack of sex. Really. Now, hear us out: Straight guys usually like to have sex, especially with hot Hollywood actresses. Gay men, on the other head hand, not so much. Rogers reportedly said that Cruise told her he needed to be celibate because he "was seriously thinking of becoming a monk" and had to "maintain the purity of his instrument."


3. Scientology

Meh, The Vatican is still more impressive...

Meh, The Vatican is still more impressive...

OK, first things first. Scientologists, please don't creep out on us, sue us, send letters or stalk us. We're just reporting what others have said here, mainly the unproven theories/allegations that some celebrities join the church either because they're gay and have been offered Scientology's famous homosexual-curing therapies or because the church has dirt on them and has forced them into total submission. Allegedly.(Emphasis ours.)

4. He's Super Fit


Grab some cheese, cause you could grate it on those abs

Grab some cheese, cause you could grate it on those abs

This reason should really be No. 1, because it's the one y'all think of when you see Tom Cruise on-screen. He's petite (shorter than his last two wives, it seems), skinny and rock-hard. Now what 50-year-old guy is in that kind of shape? Heck, we don't know too many 40-year-old guys who are in that kind of shape. And the ones we do? Gay. Yeah, we said it. Straight guys get fat the minute they get married or hit 35. The rest? They're either still searching for Mrs. Right or ... Mr. Right.

5. Tighty Whities



Sure, Tom is America's top action hero who has not yet been a governor of California. He breaks necks, climbs walls and operates complex machinery. But what kind of breakout role is it when the most memorable scene has you dancing in your underwear? Cruise's big-box-office debut in Risky Business was the most homoerotic coming out for a Hollywood A-lister ever. Yes, yes, there is Brokeback Mountain, but come on y'all, that didn't come out till practically 2 decades later. 

What do you think, Insticators? Will 2013 be the year Tommy boy comes out of the closet? Or will he find himself a new prisoner, sorry, bride? Share your thoughts with us in the comments section!