Happy Holidays, Insticators! It's that time of the year when you come together with your loved ones, enjoy sumptuous food and pop a little bubbly. It's also that time of year when your Aunt Mallory judges all your life choices and Uncle Mark suggests that maybe it's time for you to try online dating. #FAMILYFUN.
Hopefully, you've gotten all your holiday shopping done by now, (if not, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU A MASOCHIST!?) This year has hosted a bunch of celebutards that are in need of a few important gifts themselves. Whip out your notebooks, Insticators, and take down a few pointers from our gift giving guide:
Demi Moore: Some Dignity
Unless you live under a rock, (who does that? Is that even comfortable?) you've seen this picture by now and if you're like us, you cringe every time you see it. Demi, Demi, Demi... get it together, girl. Ease off the Eau de Desperation and give yourself a reality check. You're divorcing Ashton Kutcher. Ashton Kutcher! Not Bradley Cooper or David Beckham, but Ashton "I like to look homeless sometimes" Kutcher. Use the millions of dollars you have to get a slammin' designer outfit that's appropriate for your age and find yourself a hot piece that doesn't need a babysitter. Mid life crisis ain't cute.
Courtney Stodden: A Brain
Ugh, part of me struggled with posting this video, because it will most likely get her more views and she may take that as encouragement.
With that said, just watch the video. I don't need to explain why we're giving her brain.
LeAnn Rimes: Duct Tape and a Feeding Tube
*Sigh* This chick. The Duct Tape is for her mouth, because she seems to have verbal diarrhea about things no. one. cares. about.
For example, her flavor of the moment is talking about the affair she had with Eddie Cibrian while both of them were married to other people. Just because there's nothing interesting about you, doesn't mean you should keep reminding us that the two of you are a bunch of cheating skanks. But no, LeAnn just keeps on yap-yap-yapping like the attention seeker she is. You can read about it here and here (and probably a lot more places, because LeAnn is handing out this story like Halloween Candy.)
The feeding tube is fairly obvious. Homegirl needs several cheeseburgers. Stat.
Mark Sanchez: Not Throwing Interceptions 101
Bringing Tebow in kind of shat on your career, but did it make you lose your faith? Or are you not as good as your first 2 years led us to believe? In any case, Mark needs a refresher course on how to throw to his teammates. This season, the sounds of anguished Jet's fans overshadowed those of Met's fans.
Amanda Bynes: Help
Lordy, it's been a weird year for Bynes. Peep this quote from the "retired actress" herself:
Right. That's why the cops took away your car (which should have happened waaaaay sooner, but we digress.) What's newsworthy now, is whenever Bynes ISN'T in a car accident, because she's acting like she going for Lohan's Most Hit and Runs trophy.
That's an actual tweet from her Twitter account. Apparently, you can just tweet requests to the leader of the free world now! Hey @BarackObama, I know you're busy running our country and shit, but it would be real cool of you to get me a yacht. I have this life long dream of being on a boat while singing The Lonely Island's I'm on a Boat. Dream big guys, dream big.
Amanda's neighbors have been throwing her some side eye, claiming they've noticed her frequently talking to herself or inanimate objects. Bynes apparently locks herself in dressing rooms and public bathrooms, and takes 20 minutes out of spin class to apply make up. None of this is particularly mind blowing, but her insistence that she is fine makes one wonder if she's a little delusional. We think a little help might go a long way.
What's your take, Insticators? Let us know what gifts you'd bestow on your favorite (or least favorite!) celebutards in the comments below!