I'm a big foodie. Most of the time, my TV is tuned into Food Network or watching Top Chef on Bravo.
I love cooking. I'm more of an instinctual cook, meaning I don't use recipes. Ever. Seriously, I couldn't even write a cook book (to my one friend that I still owe a cook book of my recipes to from over 3 years ago: I'm sorry, I'm trying) because I don't measure anything. This leads to my friends being astonished that my recipes always come out delish, leading them to believe I must use witchcraft.
So imagine my surprise when I discovered THIS while browsing Food Network for inspiration:
What the hell is this!? There is seriously a recipe on an "accredited" and "famous" food website for PEAS WITH BUTTER? Go home, Paula Dean. Go home and think about what you've done.
I figured everyone messes up now and then, and let it slide. Till I saw this:
I mean, what is this fuckery? What if I want Early Morning Bacon, Rachel? Do I eat the paper towels too? You didn't tell me to take the bacon out of the package, so I'm guessing I just heat that up too, right?
I'm not even going to comment on this, I'm going to let these 2 Food Network All-Star User Homies take this one:
I don't even know who the hell would even want to eat this next one:
Sure, you can troll us with these "recipes", Food Network, but we're gonna troll you right back. TAKE IT AWAY, GUYS!
I need to have a serious talk with the department that runs the Food Network recipe portion of the website, because there is no damn reason this should even be there:
BUT WHAT IF I LIKE RED GRAPES? IS IT RACIST IF I DON'T USE BLACK GRAPES? CAN'T ALL THE GRAPES GET ALONG? CAN I FREEZE OTHER FRUITS? VEGETABLES, MAYBE?
I'm gonna take us out with some real Bad Ass Mother Truckers of Cookery, Epic Meal Time. Stay hungry, Insticators.