Black Friday 2012 (or How I Knew the Ancient Mayans were Right)

Nothing sums up American tradition like Thanksgiving and Black Friday: massive gluttony followed by massive spending. Third world countries that can't even get clean water? Don't care. I'm going to sit here and cram this turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, vegetables and Aunt Debby's questionable jello mold into my mouth and then go to the mall at an unfathomable hour and "make it rain" at department stores.

Here is a visual for those unfamiliar with the process known as "making it rain."
Here is a visual for those unfamiliar with the process known as "making it rain."

Don't get me wrong, I'm cool with Thanksgiving. Anything that involves me putting delicious food in my stomach is great in my books (which may be the reason why I am also a fan of breakfast, lunch and dinner.) Standing in line, outside, IN THE COLD, probably cranky (read as: definitely cranky) has never been appealing to me and never will be. Here is a list of things I would more or less suffer Black Friday for:

  • Vital Organs
  • My own island
  • The Crown Jewels
  • A Monkey

Granted, the island would probably already have a monkey on it, but I digress. Black Friday does not only NOT bring the best out in people, but it also doesn't bring out the intelligent ones. I'm talking individuals that are short one McNugget of a Happy Meal. Take the unnamed man in Massachusetts who went to purchase a TV at K-Mart and I suppose he was so spectacurly enthralled with the deals that he left his girlfriend's 2 year old son in the car. At 1:30 in the morning.

Wait. It gets better.

Cops finally came around and rescued Junior and returned to the man's home to see what sort of crack he was smoking. His response? He "panicked" after realizing he couldn't find the child and called for a ride home.

I'll let that sink in.

Said about this guy, never.

Said about this guy, never.

Then there is this gem from Sacramento, CA:

Now I know what you're thinking, that they're probably arguing over an iPhone5, an autographed photo of Blue Ivy or the frozen remains of Walt Disney, right?

Wrong. So wrong. It started over a pair of women arguing over a bin of discount underwear.

Discount. Underwear. I am hypothetically throwing my hands up in the air and walking away from this one because, in the poetic words of Kanye West, "that shit cray."

Sing it, boo-boo.

Sing it, boo-boo.

Then of course are those who go shopping with a gun on them, because who doesn't, amiright?

2 people were shot in Florida outside of Walmart arguing over a parking spot, a man in Texas pulled a gun on someone trying to cut the line, a masked assailant shoots a ceiling in Colorado and a pair of women shoplifting in Michigan are temporarily thwarted till one of them pulls a gun on a cop. To be fair, these were probably the same women arguing over discount panties. There was one man who threatened to stab customers on line at K-Mart, but in all honesty he was probably just super hyped about Martha Stewart's new K-Mart collection.

Now that I realize I live in a time where people brawl over reduced price undergarments and get trigger happy over deals that they could get at other times of the year, I'm realizing the ancient Mayan's were totally right about the world ending in December.

Which is deliciously ironic, when you think about it.