Over the past couple of months the British Tabloids have been speculating - even more rabidly than usual - that Prince Kate Middleton (right, I know she’s a Duchess, but whatever) is pregnant with the heir to the British throne. Since the British Tabloids are about as trustworthy as Bernie Madoff in an investors’ meeting (or some other untrustworthy person in the place where they do the majority of their lying,) I’m taking their reports with a grain of salt. As far as I see it, there are 5 reasons why the glossies (that’s what British people call gossip mags, aren’t I so international?) are reporting the pregnancy rumors so vociferously. Let’s count them down, shall we?
1. She's actually pregnant.
Let’s get this one out of the way first. There’s a chance that Kate Middleton really is pregnant. I mean, she’s been married to ol’ baldy for over a year, she’s on the wrong side of 30, and it’s not like she has a career to focus on, so why wouldn’t she get pregnant? For all we know she is.
2. The Tabloids have Nothing Else to Write About
The Olympics are over, the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee celebration is a distant memory (on June 2nd the entire country of Great Britain basically descended into a Pimm’s fueled shitshow in honor of Queen Elizabeth II 60th anniversary as the monarch), and it’s been well over a year since the Royal Wedding. Maybe the tabloids are just making shit up to keep things interesting, and publishing unflattering pictures of dear Kate. (Kind of like they’re a shitty Facebook friend, constantly posting pictures where you look disgusting and then saying, “Whaaaat? I thought you looked cute!”)
3. The Bride Diet is Over
(As extreme as it might be, you can’t really blame her. My idiot sister got married last year and she lost like 20 pounds for it, and there were only, what? 150 people at that wedding. 1 billion people watched Kate get married -- I’d want to be skinny as fuck for that, too.) Anyyyyway, my guess is after about a year a diet like that gets really old, so maybe the princess has just gained a couple of pounds because she remembered how good candy is.
4. She had a little bit too much fun at the Olympics
If you’ve ever met a British person, chances are you’ve been impressed by the sheer volume of alcohol they’re able (and quite happy) to consume. They drink any old day for any old reason, so when an event like the Olympics comes to town, you can bet that there’s going to be an inordinate amount of boozing going on. Sure, Kate is a Princess (sorry, Duchess) so maybe she keeps it together a little better than the plebeians, but still, she’s of common blood -- I bet she put a few back over the course of the Games. And, with like 300 calories per drink, it wouldn’t be all that surprising if she, um, filled out a little from the partying.
5. She’s trying to get the Middleton ass back
Maybe, just, maybe, Kate’s weight gain (if she even has gained weight) isn’t the unfortunate side effect of boozing or not strictly following her Princess Diet, maybe she’s trying to get her curves back. After she worked so f’ing hard to fit into that doll-sized wedding dress, only to have Pippa’s ass steal the show, it wouldn’t be too big of a surprise if Kate was trying to get some junk for own trunk (I mean that in the most respectful of ways, of course.)
What do you guys think? Is Kit Kat pregnant? Is she just fat(ter)? Or is this all a figment of our imagination that we’ve created to fill the void of our own, meaningless existences? Kiddddddiiiiiiiinnnng.