Do you guys remember Tori Spelling? You know, the bright eyed and buck toothed daughter of Aaron Spelling who weaseled her way into 90210, thanks to nepotism:
Right, her. That blonde beauty.
Honestly, I never watched Bev Hills, but from what I remember, my mom’s trashy friend used to go on and onnnnnn about what a cunt Donna was (just kidding, obviously my mom didn't allow words like that to be used in the house...). As I understand it, Aaron Spelling basically wrote Donna specifically for his daughter, and she was this really pure character that didn’t lose her virginity until her senior year of college (lollllllllllll) and is repeatedly faced with tons of tragedy (assault, rape, car crashes, pill addictions, etc. etc. etc.) and hates her mommy but loves her daddy and eventually becomes a huge success in fashion despite all of her problems, The End.
Anyway, that masterpiece would be the highlight of her career, because once her dad died in 2006 (RIP) there was no one left to cast her. And like, I’m not saying she was some prize to begin with (I mean, even that chick with glasses was always way hotter than Tori:)
But still, the years have been particularly unkind to TorTor... and outside of the dregs of Reality TV there’s really not any place on television for a woman who looks like this:
Anyway, this treasure trove of undesirable genes has decided that what the world needs is more talentless mushfaces, and today the most recent one is celebrating his two month birthday! So she’s spent the last five years popping out children like it’s her job (since the only actual job she’s been able to land recently is hosting the “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” Royal Wedding Special, I guess it’s good that she’s occupying her time somehow.)
Two months ago today, Mrs. Dean McDermott (You may remember him from their reality show “Tori and Dean” but probably not since no one watched that) gave birth to yet another genetically inferior child, and ever since has been teasssssing the world with little glimpses of the baby. Because what everyone is just DYING to see is just a glimpse of Finn, the fourth mini Tori.
Anyway, here’s the top of his head, looking like every other top of a baby’s head in the history of ever.
That’s really all I have to say about Tori Spelling. I mean, she’s perpetually pregnant, and disgusting, and talentless, and while all of it should add up to an endlessly mockable human being, I just kind of feel bad for her (and not just because she seems to always be hospitalized.) Her dad had a $500 million dollar estate and her mom only gave her $800,000, which sure, that’s more money that I’m going to get, but STILL it’s less than 2%.
Am I just being too nice? Does Tor Monster deserve our sympathies? Is she making the world a worse place with all her children?