Look, we all get it. Dating is hard. Once you’ve been on an OkCupid date with a man who buys you a Jager bomb upon sitting down, and then begins to regale you with stories of how he dropped out of college because when he made his MILLIONS it wasn’t gonna be because he had some fuckin’ piece of paper, ya know? until you’re forced to actually do that thing they always do in terrible sitcoms where you pretend a friend is calling you with some E-M-E-R-G-E-N-C-Y so you can get the hell out of there, once you’ve done THAT, then you get it. And chances are, you’re probably willing to try anything.
Some people decide it’s worth it to spend the $15 a month to get a Match.com profile, hoping to weed out the fucking crazies that gravitate to OkCupid and the other free sites, some people give up dating altogether, some people sift back through their exes, hoping that maybe your boyfriend from Sophomore year in college turned out to not be a douchebag afterall (unlikely,) some even hire people who imagine being a “Matchmaker” is a career to help them out.
And then, of course, some people look to their place of worship to find themselves a nice girl in a cardigan who shares your core beliefs and, like, wears khakis.
If the thought of hanging out in a church basement that’s lit like a Walgreen’s on a Friday night, sipping 7Up, hoping that there might someone there who is just passable, and oh God please don’t let him have a goatee, turns your stomach (it should,) and you're not Jewish enough for Jdate or Christian enough for ChristianMingle, then you probably have written this strategy off.
BUT. You shouldn’t have. For the low, low price of 10% of your income, you can become a Scientologist. And what’s great about being a Scientologist -- other than the fact that you get to believe that you’re an alien, which is obviously rad -- is that they do all the work for you when you’re on a wifey-hunt.
If you’re a (rich and famous) Scientologist, all you have to do is be like “Yo, fellow Xenu lovers, my second wife just left me, and I’m looking for a third. Help a brother out?” And the Church comes to you beck and call, and will actually audition wives for you. The process includes:
- An international search of eligible bachelor/ettes
- A full-blow Scientology Audit, where all serious candidates are attached to a machine that “reads the body’s electronic impulses” while they reveal, ad nauseum, every single detail of their sexual history (meaning you’ll never have to have the awkward “what’s your number?” conversation.)
- The successful candidate will receive a full-blown makeover: When Nazanin Boniadi was shipped from Iran for Tom Cruise’s inspection, she first had to remove the pink streaks from her hair and get rid of her braces because, ya know, she’s not an awkward 13 year old girl so she has no right to have either of those things
- And finally, they will be shipped to you from wherever they are in the world so that you can play your shiny, new toy get to know the potential love of your life. (And, like Zappos, there’s free return shipping if the fit’s not quite right. Gotta love great customer service!)
Not bad, right? I mean, whatever they come up with can’t be worse than the dregs of the population that I find myself dating. Like that guy with an ‘Om’ tattoo. Or the one who looked oddly like a dinosaur. Oh! Or that guy who said “Wokka wokka” and the end of every. single. sentence. I guess this a story for another day.
ANYWAY. Are y’all gonna become Scientologists now? Or just die alone?