When Jef (with One F) won the hearts of Emily (spelled the normal way) and her little mongoloid daughter Ricki in Season 4,000 of The Bachelorette, there was this teeny tiny part of me that actually bought it. This nerdy little skateboarding Mormy Morm (I’m pretty sure that’s the term LDS prefer these days,) managed to win over the heart of a real life Barbie Doll, there was no way it was fake. That kind of mismatched connection just had to be true. Why, oh why, would a woman who looks like this:
Go for a guy who wears socks like this:
It just doesn’t make any sense. Unless, of course, it’s true love. True love is blind, y’all. Just look at Beauty and the Beast and King of Queens.
Anyway, I digress. So One F proposed to Emily/Ricki on some terrible set somewhere with Emily wearing another absurd dress and One F still with his weird swoopy haircut and Mormon face, and it was all smiles and sexless love and chastity and just so beautiful and pure.
But, all good things (and mediocre things and disgusting things and reprehensible things) must come to an end. And the illusion that Barbie and One F were really in love was shattered when One F found “racy texts” on Barbie’s phone between her and another man, presumably Ken. (This is all according the UsWeekly, which I realize isn’t exactly The Wall Street Journal, but at least it’s a few steps above OK!)
One F apparently stormed off and was all “I’m done with this sham engagement to a woman who is richer than me, hotter than me, and more famous than me,” and Barbie laughed in his face and was like “Are you really going to stop sleeping with me because of a few little sexts. Yeah right.” But One F held strong to his Mormon principles and said “I’ll do it for half your salary and only if I can start banging courting BYU coeds again” (Mormy Morms are extremely business savvy.) And Emily had to agree because if she didn’t then everyone would know that she wasn’t a virginal queen but was actually kind of a trollop.* Also, homegirl is worth over $5 million, what’s $150,000 to her?
*Sidenote: One of the most perplexing things about Emily is that she has managed to fool people into thinking that she’s some bastion of chastity. I MEAN, she got knocked up when she was 18 years old by a NASCAR driver. Knocked up by a NASCAR driver. Does it get any trashier than that? That was a rhetorical questions because obviously, no, no it does not get any trashier than that.
Anyway, back to Emily and her new fakelove Jef with One F. So, One F strikes a deal: He gets to keep banging Barbie, Barbie gets to keep banging NFL players, One F gets to seek out the attentions of 21-year old Mormon girls, and all they have to do is go to B-List celebrity events together and take a few pictures with unattractive people.
Alas, as simple as it was, the arrangement didn’t work out (shocking,) and Emily and One F announced this morning that they had parted ways. It’s not super surprising since The Bachelor franchise has a pretttttty bleak track record. Depending on how generous you are with your assessment, The Bachelor is somewhere between 0 and 1 for 17, depending on how you define a successful relationship. Do you think this counts?
SEASON 13 (Yep, there wasn't even a tenuous success until Season 13): Jason and Melissa/Molly
So, in Season 13, Jason Mesnick got down on one knee and proposed to Melissa Rycroft. It was really magical and beautiful, but then on they normally excruciatingly boring “After the Final Rose” show, he took it back. And then, to add insult to the injury of being dumped on live national TV, he asked the runner-up, Molly Malaney to coffee a few minutes later. Also on live national TV. I guess he probably made the right choice though, because he and Molly are still married, 3 years later.
And then, of course, there's The Bachelorette...
BACHELORETTE SEASON 1: Trista and Ryan
In the show’s first season, the insufferably compatible Trista and Ryan found one another. In December of 2003 they were, of course, married on ABC. Nine years later they remain married, have two kids, and occasionally Trista will pop up on the cover of Life&Style to show off whatever plastic surgery she got that week.
Arguably the most annoying woman in Bachelor/Bachelorette history (which is reallllllly saying something,) Ashley Hebert, the aspiring dental assistant, found true love with JP Rosenbaum, a weirdly attractive man from Long Island who is a construction worker or something. ABC has just announced that the happy couple will wed, on-air naturally, in December of this year. So look forward to that, I guess.
Welp, that about wraps it up. In a combined 25 seasons, The Bachelor/Bachelorette has managed to produced two couples that weren’t total shams (three if you count Jason and Molly, but you really shouldn’t.) Why is this show still on again?
Why is this show still on again?