God Help Us: Courtney Stodden Wins the New Hollywood Starlet Award

Call me old fashion, but win I hear "Hollywood Starlet," I think of this:


And this:


Also this:


But I don't care how much alcohol or drugs you ply me with, never will I EVER think of this as synonymous with "Hollywood Starlet": 

The dog has a better shot, honestly...

The dog has a better shot, honestly...

Don't recognize this hot mess $2 looking prostitute? It's fame whore Courtney Stodden, famous for wearing lots of make up, having zero talent and marrying a 51 year old when she was 16!

For whatever reason (we're thinking a really bad LSD trip) the 2nd Annual Who's Who Awards in West Hollywood awarded Stodden with the "New Hollywood Starlet" award. Which means we're giving zero credibility to this Who's Who nonsense. That, or there was literally no one else up for the award.

Like, what is THIS?:

Courtney, your representation of bunnies has personally offended my pet bunny, Prometheus. I'd like you to apologize to him...

Just kidding, look at all the damns he doesn't give

Just kidding, look at all the damns he doesn't give

I wasn't sure what the credentials were to win such an, uh, esteemed award as this one, so I had to do a little digging....annnnd if this (we're going to go ahead and say this is NSFW because of some exposed male butts...CBS would definitely have an issue with this) is anything to go by, the category didn't even exist last year, so you go, Courtney!

What’s hysterical is that Stodden is still claiming her body is all natural. Right, I know all about puberty and growth spurts, but you’re going to have me believe that in just one year, you went from having the chest of a little boy to a porn star rack?

The plastic straps are extra classy!

The plastic straps are extra classy!

That thing you’re selling, Courtney…I’m not buying it.

Of course, once you get on the Fame Whore Express, you’ve got to keep loading up the coal to keep that baby going. In an effort to “prove” that she’s never had plastic surgery, Stodden went on the Dr. Drew show for a live ultrasound of her chest.

Spoiler Alert: They find the implant and then ignore it once Stodden states that she’s never had plastic surgery, so someone must have drugged her and performed the surgery on her.

Right, I forgot, this is America; Instead of waking up in a bathtub full of ice and a kidney missing, you wake up with bigger, perkier boobs.

Totally legit.

All in all, I have to put my glass of Haterade down for a moment and tip my hat to Courtney. Congrats on that award...I think?

Ron Swanson is the New Chuck Norris

We're probably going to get a lot of heat for saying this, (and that's okay, because our microwave is broken and I need to heat up my lasagna) but Ron Swanson is the new Chuck Norris.

I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whisky and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at once because I am a free American.
— Ron Swanson

Look, Chuck Norris had his time and we mean no disrespect. It's just that a new, manly American hero has emerged and we're going to call him king now. Think of it like how we still call former presidents "Mr. President." 

Ron Swanson is a Grade A Beast. They say the way to a man's heart is through their stomach, right? Well, I highly advise not getting in the way of Mr. Swanson's stomach.

Think you know how the government works? Wrong. Let Ron teach you about it:

For all the gun totting, mustache grooming and meat eating he does, Ron still knows how to get in touch with his emotional side. When beloved mini horse Lil Sebastian passed away, you heartless beasts probably thought Ron was going to suggest everyone stop being babies and get the grill going for some horse burgers.

Wrong again!

When I walked in this morning I saw that the flag was at half mast, I though, ‘All right, another bureaucrat ate it!’ And then I saw it was Lil’ Sebastian. Half mast is too high. Show some damn respect
— Ron Swanson, King of the World

Still not sold? That's cool (actually, it really isn't.) Check out this great tribute video to our man, Ron:

Think there is an even better character on Parks and Recreation? Make us eat our words and tell us why!

Hugh Hefner: Bimbo for Bingo?

For those who are a bit behind in the news, a little over a month ago the immortal playboy Hugh Hefner got married...yet again! For those who thought he would calm down and just play with the bunnies who inhabit his mansion after being left at the altar...you were wrong!

The infamous womanizer and Crystal Harris tied the knot in a ceremony at the Playboy Mansion last December 31.

Mind the (age) gap

Mind the (age) gap

The soon-to-be 87 year old seems to have left his days of glory behind, though. The age seems to be catching up with one of the most envied men of all times, who had Playmates for breakfast, lunch and dinner (probably for snack too, here and there).

In recent interview, Crystal said in regards to her marriage: "I feel like since Hef is older now and he's had…the phase of his life—the phases of all the girlfriends and all that kind of stuff—I feel now is more, you know, like cuddling up and watching a movie or playing backgammon. We play Uno with the girls...Dominoes."

Now, hold on...what has the world become?! The King of the perverts, who has a chandelier decorated with a collection of thongs, who has dated up to SEVEN girls at the same time (twin sisters more than once)...is now playing Dominoes with Playmates?? Among the infinity of things you could do with a Playmate...

Let's play Jenga tonight!

Let's play Jenga tonight!

Crystal, bunny, you can't open your mouth and knock down the reputation Hugh had been cultivating for decades (even though you did it once before)...you could have used a little compassion and said that you have wild sex every night!

All the men who dream to be Hefner when they grow-up would also be very pleased about the possibility of aging without losing their mojo...bad, bad girl, Crystal! It seems like you won't be getting a spanking for bad behavior though...

Insticators, share your thoughts: Is Hugh really exchanging Bimbo for Bingo?

Double Check Your Wardrobe for the Grammys!

One of the great parts of any award show is watching the stars come down the red carpet. Suddenly, everyone and their mom is a high fashion critic (especially, myself and my mom.)

No, really. We sit there and say things like "That's really not her color," "He could have found a better tux," "That necklace overwhelms her" and "...I think I see her nipple."

EVERYONE loves a good wardrobe malfunction, (Hello Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl) but it seems like CBS is taking some extra precautions to make sure that the Grammys this Sunday is safe enough for an Amish family to watch.

Which is ridiculous, the Amish don't even watch TV. From the desk at CBS:

ScreenHunter_12 Feb. 07 12.02.jpg

Hold up, "no visible 'puffy' bare skin?" So am I to understand that If an artists genital region does not have any "puffy" (ew?) bare skin, they can show it off?

This also seems like an attack on women. Girls can't expose their nipples of side-boobs, but guys can? Seems a little sexist, CBS, I'm just saying.

Let's take a moment and mourn these great outfits we've seen in the past and most likely won't see this Sunday:

I guess her under-buttock is exposed?

I guess her under-buttock is exposed?



Sorry, no.

Sorry, no.

This one might be okay...

This one might be okay...

Now that we've mourned that loss, here's a reminder of what is allowed:


Is CBS going overboard on this one, or are they right to play it sage? Thoughts?