The Top 5 Things Guys Need to Stop Doing in 2013

Here at Insticator, we like to follow some basic rules of etiquette.  You know, ladies first, and all that jazz. So we did just that and told you what we think girls need to stop doing in 2013 first.'s your turn. :-D

1. Using Cat Calls as Means to Pick Up the Ladies

Credit to Lead Paint Comics

Did someone tell you this shit works? If so, that person hates you and was trying to sabotage you into looking like a giant douchebag (it worked.) 

Cat Calling is going to bring you in zero ladies because:

  1. You're showing that your IQ is the same as the IQ of your penis (as in, 0.)
  2. You're showing that you're a crude and vulgar asshole.
  3. You're putting yourself in the same category as construction workers.

Ask yourself how many construction workers are getting some action from the ladies they're heckling...

...You're thinking too hard, the answer is zero, idiot.

Unless the construction workers look like this, in which case HIT ME UP ON MY PAGER!!

Unless the construction workers look like this, in which case HIT ME UP ON MY PAGER!!

A few years ago, I was minding my own damn business when some random guy shouts at me "YO, MA!" Seeing as I am nobodies mother, least of all his, I kept it movin'. Said gentleman wasn't too happy about this and followed it up with "YO, LITTLE BITCH!"

Hoooold up. You're "YO, MA!" didn't have me dropping my panties, but you think calling me a little bitch is gonna do the trick?

It's funny, when I shouted back "YO, LITTLE DICK!" he suddenly wasn't interested in me anymore.

2. Being Baby Daddies

It's sad that we even had to put this one on the list. Fellas, sit your asses down and watch a few episodes of Teen Mom 2. Do those dudes look like they are having the greatest time ever? No. They are miserable, dried up husks who wished they had gotten a vasectomy, rather than sold their souls to be on MTV.

Oh wait, but the girl told you she was on birth control so it's okay to skip the condom? One moment please.


If you're one of those ding dongs that falls for this line, please get a vasectomy now, this way we can rest easy that none of your moronic offspring will be inflicted on this world.

Look, we're not even going to get into the fact that condoms prevent, you know, diseases and shit. But ask yourself if the 5-10 minutes (ooooh, look at you big boy, lasting 10 whole minutes! *swoon*) of having sex sans condom because it feels better for you is worth the damage it's going to do to your finances for approximately the next two decades

Shit, are you even ready to become a father? You're not even ready to put a ring on it, so I'm highly doubting your dad skillz.

Oh, you'll get married later down the line? That's cute. Let's look at Kanye West. Homeboy is FUCKED. He impregnated the most fame whoriest bitch out there and anyone who says this relationship is going to last needs to put the bottle of Jack down and go home. When (not if) this ship sinks, Hustling Mom of the Year Kris Jenner is gonna make sure Kim sucks every last dollar off of West via child support. Kris Jenner couldn't be more pleased.

Wow, Photoshop skillz level 50000000

Wow, Photoshop skillz level 50000000

3. Wearing Pants Below Your Ass (AKA Sagging Pants)

Hey, let's play "Spot the Assmonkey!"

Hey, let's play "Spot the Assmonkey!"

Where the fuck did you guys get this fashion tip from? The homeless dude on 59th who will give you a handy for some spare change? I hope you at least make the bum sanitize his hands first.

Wearing your pants that low doesn't even look comfortable! This look screams "I don't even have the brain cells required to know where pants are supposed to go, and I also have a strong desire to go nowhere in life." Having trouble walking? Here's a novel thought: GET A BELT AND WEAR YOUR PANTS OVER YOUR ASS, JUST AS GOD INTENDED.

I don't give a fuck if you're wearing $50,000 Chanel boxers, made from the silk of silk worms that fed on a diet of diamonds, (you're probably gay if you do have a pair of these) no one wants to see it, so do us all a favor and pull your fucking pants up.

4. Poking Girls on Facebook


Guys, you're not fooling anyone. When you randomly poke a girl on Facebook, they know you want a one way ticket to Bang Town. 

And it's creepy as fuck. You come off like this:

Look, if it's your girlfriend or your wife, POKE AWAY! Poke to your hearts content, poke till you can't poke anymore! But when it's a female that you haven't even spoken to in person for a while, get away from the damn poke button.

Even if you're the shy type and think poking her would be a cute way to say hello, don't do it. It's not. It immediately sends the signal "I would like to touch my private parts to your private parts, even though I haven't seen you in 15 months."

Here's a pro tip, just copy and paste this on to the wall of your intended and make changes as needed: Hey (NAME), I was just thinking about (Insert story where you guys did something hilarious/exciting together that isn't sexual) and it made me realize I haven't seen you in a while! Let me know when you're free, we should (Insert non-threatening, non-creepy hang out) soon!"

Boom. You're welcome. Oh, and bring a condom, just in case she's a slut.

5. Getting Married Without a Prenup


I don't understand how guys in this day and age are still cool to go ahead into marriage without a prenup. I think the choice is pretty clear cut, no?

Like, if I offered you the choice of a million dollars or slathering your body in honey and then releasing you in to a bear den, you'd pick the million dollars, right?

You'd pick the honey and the bears? You kinky bastard...

Look, a prenup doesn't just cover your ass going into a marriage, it covers your ass when you're exiting one. Let me tell you, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and once you've pissed that bitch off into Filing-for-Divorceland, she is going to do everything possible to make your life a living hell, and that includes taking all your money.

You don't need to be a cash money millionaire to think a prenup is an essential thing to have. Trust me, if all you have to your name is a piggy bank with $64.23, she will come for that.

So get a prenup, idiots. Or, in the case of my future husband, don't. Don't worry honey...we'll be married forever, our love doesn't need a prenup. ;)

So those are the top 5 things guys need to stop doing in 2013. I asked one of my guy friends and he said guys need to (and this is verbatim) "stop jizzing in their pants." I had no idea this was such an issue with you guys. Just let it be said that if Fox News is breaking a story about a pant jizzing epidemic, you heard it here first!

Now we want your take, Insticators! Tell us the top 5 things you think guys should stop doing this year in the comments or hit us up on Facebook!

The Kind of Unsatisfying Finale of American Horror Story Asylum

Some people are a little ticked off with how the finale of American Horror Story Asylum went down last night, and I don't blame them. There were a few moments that left people scratching their heads, but if the head scratching is still going you probably have lice. Get that shit checked out.

Lice: Holy Shit, that is scary. KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

Lice: Holy Shit, that is scary. KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!

For example, that scene with Sister Jude being lead down the hallway by Kit's alien children (Not illegal immigrants. We're talking about the kind that want to suck you up in their spaceship and give you an anal probe) and suddenly they are IN A FOREST!?

Damn it, I'm just trying to find the kitchen!

Damn it, I'm just trying to find the kitchen!

Yeah, we hear all you haters saying "suspend your disbelief." Well suspend this:


Google Image Search Level 99!

Google Image Search Level 99!

If you watch any TV show or movie that has aliens in it, you know that the aliens have some sort of purpose and at least a half decent back story. Shit, When Mars Attacks is a joke of a movie, but at least you knew where these bitches were coming from and what they wanted (Spoiler: Earth.) Going by the show, it seems like these aliens like bringing dead women back to life with alien babies? I'm not really sure, and when I went to go ask our resident AHSA expert, she was too busy foaming at the mouth, mumbling about aliens (J/K, Marissa, we love you boo!)

We maybe would have found out more about these aliens when Grace was drawing pictures about them and making alien talk, but apparently that sort of talk isn't allowed in Kit's household because ALMA TAKES A FUCKING AXE AND CHOPS HER UP INTO LITTLE, FUN SIZED PIECES.

That escalated quickly...

That escalated quickly...

So you know, THANKS for killing off the one person who maybe could have told us more about the aliens. We're not even going to get in on Kit's old ass wheeling himself into, what we are probably meant to assume, the light of the aliens. Knowing their track record, they'll probably bring him back to life and make him preggars too.

But OMG, you know what was awesome? Lana's expose about the conditions at 

Briarcliff was legit just like Geraldo Rivera's expose on Willowbrook!

High five, AHSA writers!

High five, AHSA writers!

You gotta love how Lana talks down Blood Face Jr. from killing her, reminding him that he's half her too, only to blow his face off. That's a bad bitch, right there.

What can we look forward to in Season 3? It'll be set in present time (all that jumping back in forth in time gives me a headache) and will have roooooomance at the center of it. If I wanted romance, I'd watch The Bachelor or Catfish. All I'm saying is there better be more than a fair share of horror next season and not people making eyes at each other (what does that phrase even really mean!?)

What's your take, Insticators? Did you dig the finale? Looking forward to next season? Hit us up on Facebook or leave your comments below!

Manti Te’o: Stupid or Really Stupid?

Man-oh-Manti, this story is a weird mix of unbelievable and depressing...

By now, you've heard the story of Manti Te'o and his fake dead girlfriend. If you haven't heard about it yet, we'll give you the cliff notes version. But honestly, come out of that rock you're living under.

That does not look comfortable

That does not look comfortable

Manti Te'o is the Notre Dame football star that overcame tragedy last September when both his grandmother and girlfriend passed away on the same day. 3 days later, Te'o 

records 12 tackles in leading the Irish to an upset win over Michigan State. This guy is a trooper!

What makes the story so heartbreaking is that Lennay Kekua (the girlfriend) was in a car accident that left her "on the brink of death," only for doctors to discover she has Leukemia. Alas! But loyal Manti would stay on the phone with her at night, simply to help her sleep. Apparently, just knowing he was on the other line, even if he was already fast asleep, helped her through the pain.

Someone get me a box of tissues.

And OF COURSE, in the event of her death, Lennay instructed Manti not to come home for her funeral, but honor her memory by continuing to play for the fightin' Irish. Our boy Manti went and did just that, and sent flowers to her funeral instead.

This all makes for a touching story, save for one thing:

She doesn't exist.

Scratching your head saying "What?" Yup. Us too.

The "mastermind" behind this giant hoax is some dude named Ronaiah Tuiasosopo (FUN FACT:  Ronaiah Tuiasosopo auditioned for The Voice !) It's still unclear how Ronaiah and Manti know each other, but they've sent public messages to each other through twitter.  Stealing some poor girls photos off her Facebook and Instagram accounts is easy enough to make a fake profile, but there are some questions out there that Manti needs to answer if he wants us to believe he wasn't in on the hoax.

Manti is going around stating that he's been the victim of a terrible joke (He totally got Catfished. that a thing? We're making it a thing) and he was in no way part of the hoax. Okay, riddle us this:

  1. You guys met after Stanford's 45-38 victory over Notre Dame in Palo Alt.
  2. When you were just friends, you would both meet in Hawaii to get together.
  3. You talk to her nightly on the phone.
  4. You sent flowers to a funeral that actually did not take place.

So according to your own story, you've met at least twice and spoke to her quite frequently over the phone. YOU. MET. TWICE. That's sort of an odd thing to say when you're trying to sell the story that you've been victimized.

We donned our CSI and Sherlock Holmes gear and the only plausible solution is that Ronaiah had a female friend who looked similar enough to the picture meet Manti, as well as talking to him on the phone. Ronaiah then sat back and stroked his cat and laughed evilly. 

Visual approximation of Ronaiah  

Visual approximation of Ronaiah

Except that would take a lot of time and effort on the part of the lady friend, and ain't nobody got time for that.

So either Manti is stupid or he's really stupid. The smartest thing he could do right now....actually, we're not sure how to get out of this one without looking like an even bigger idiot. 

We'll leave you with a comment by a tvgasm user that pretty much sums it up:

Lance Armstrong is hellapissed that somebody upstaged him in the tour de douche.
— Considerthis