The Mole: Homeland Edition

If you walked away last night after the season 2 finale of Homeland without any questions, you probably weren't watching Homeland. You were probably watching TLC's Sister Wives (I could see how you could get these two mixed up.)

Let's get down to the question on everyone's mind: Who is the mole?

I miss this show, Damn you ABC!

I miss this show, Damn you ABC!

Peter Quinn

homeland quinn 615 showtime.png

Here's an interesting theory. Remember the shoot-out at the tailor's shop? Everyone died except Quinn. Could have been intentional so as to not blow his cover. Also, Quinn has the credentials to be able to move Brody's car, so it's possible.

Quinn's character has had me extremely confused all season, so I don't know which fuckin' side he's on. Also, I felt like there was a little gay unresolved sexual tension in that scene between Estes and Quinn, when Quinn had a change of heart about his "mission." Anyone else?

Just me then? Moving on...

David Estes

david estes.jpg

This douche bag. First off, take the damn Bluetooth out of your ear, this is not 2004. You're the CIA damn it, you have better technology then that.

In season 1, I was basically like "Noooooo, Estes, believe Carrie. I do believe in Carrie, I do, I do!   (Just skip to 2:30 if you're too impatient to get the joke.)

As season 2 progressed, however, I was realizing "Hey...this guy is kind of a jerk," which morphed into "HEY, EVERYONE CHECK OUT THIS ASSHOLE."

I don't think a failed marriage is enough to motivate someone into killing themselves (HAHA, RIGHT SEASON 1 BRODY?) but that would be pretty sick if Estes was the mole.Think about it, that's one calm mofo walking up to the podium, knowing he's about to die. He would have the credentials for moving Brody's car, but I'm not putting anything together for a plausible motive.

Either way, he's dead and so is the VP's annoying little jerk off son. 

Celebrating the death of fictional characters is fine. Don't judge me.

Celebrating the death of fictional characters is fine. Don't judge me.

Christopher Brody

chris brody.jpg


Saul Berenson


First off, what's with everyone always assuming that when Saul prays in another language, that it's a Muslim prayer? Everyone gets all "ZOMG Saul is totally a terrorist, you hear him speaking not English? So terrorist-y." That sounds pretty racist to me, you racist ding dongs.

Saul is Jewish. Both times he's saying a prayer, it's a Hebrew prayer. Get some damn education.

Anyway, if Saul is the mole, I will go out and buy the largest tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream (my inner fatty advises me I should do this anyway) , draw the curtains and weep openly into my ice cream while I devour it with Mozart's Requiem Mass in D Minor on loop.

I don't know what evidence there is to point to Saul being the mole, but it would break what remains of my heart.

Some other theories out there are that Abu Nazir is actually not dead, that they killed his body double. If this is true, I'm going to wonder what fetus is running the CIA (I wondered this anyway...Nazir just took a casual stroll into America? Imagine if Bin Laden did this!) that a simple look of "Yeah, looks like our guy" is enough to confirm it's him. When Seal Team 6 went in for Bin Laden, they took DNA samples and had extensive "cheat sheets" on how to confirm if they got their man. So if they do pull this body double thing, I'm rage quitting Homeland.

Saul's wife is coming back, which honestly isn't that exciting. Now THIS is exciting:

Stay awesome, Insticators. 

Your Unofficial 2012 SantaCon Etiquette Guide

If you live in the great area known as New York City, don't be shocked to see a bunch of Santas, Elves, Sugarplum Faeries or some other holiday nonsense running around the city tomorrow. That's because it's 2012 SantaCon. What is SantaCon? According to their website:

Santacon is a non-denominational, non-commercial, non-political and non-sensical Santa Claus convention that occurs once a year for absolutely no reason.
HAHAHA, Good joke, SantaCon!

HAHAHA, Good joke, SantaCon!

No, this video below is a much more accurate description of what SantaCon is:

Basically, people get dressed up in a festive manner and go bar hopping. SantaCon insists it's not a Bar Crawl, but if you want to call a goldfish a unicorn, well that's your business.

I come from a university where students didn't need an excuse to dress up out of the norm and go drinking (whaddup my fellow Bearcats!) We did that shit on the regular, so I'm kind of an expert in this field. Therefor, let me bring you your unofficial 2012 SantaCon Etiquette Guide.

Rule #1: Don't be an Asshole. Leave your Asshole friends at home, too

I honestly shouldn't have to explain this, but considering there are assholes out there who still try and enter a subway when you're supposed to let passengers off first, I need to spell shit out for everyone.

This is a fun little gathering where you can get drunk with your buddies AND the proceeds go towards charitable foundations. Don't celebrate Christmas? Really not a problem. Come dressed as a menorah or a mermaid (wow, 2 mythical creature references in one article?) for all anyone cares. However, if you and your buddies are the type of people that when they get a little alcohol in them suddenly thinks everyone wants to pick a fight with you, leave your Grinch ass at home. You guys are the ones fucking things up for the rest of us happy little Elves, causing the po-po (that's slang for "police") to come in and start shutting things down.

Here's a better idea: stay home, drink with your friends and fight each other. Everyone wins.

Rule #2: Leave the half naked, slutty Santa/Whatever costume at home


SantaCon doesn't just happen in NYC, so if you're participating in California, go ahead and wear the above. If you're in NYC, leave that shit at home along with your asshole friends. I've been a sexy pirate, sexy ref, sexy pilot, sexy jester and a sexy Victorian horseback rider, (because I think outside of the motherflippin box) but I've always taken the weather into account.

If you do decide to go ahead and slut it up anyway, I do not want to hear you whining about (A) how cold you are or (B) how all these "gross, creepy" guys are ogling you.

Rule #3: Bring cash for food and drinks

It's going to be waaaaaaaay too crowded with all that holiday cheer for you to whip out your credit card. Cash will make transactions faster, which your servers will appreciate. Also, bring a metro card, two non-perishable food items for Santa’s food drive, Gifts, games, props, and performances to entertain Santas and strangers alike, have on comfortable footwear (again, this is common sense, but some people...) and "your jolly fucking Christmas spirit."

Rule #4: It's a marathon, not a race

Don't be a moron, eat breakfast (something carby and fatty, mmmmm) before you head out. Pace yourself. Hydrate with something not alcohol. Have a buddy check system for damn sake. This event is long, take breaks along the way so you can party till the late hours of the night. There is no shame for taking a breather, only the highest level of shame for puking, passing out or being that fool who is rolling around on the sidewalk only 2 hours into the event.

I am hoping some of you mess up though, because my friends and I made special bingo cards for the event tomorrow, and I'm counting on spotting some of you hot messes to improve my score.

Those are the basics, I trust you all to go out tomorrow and not make complete fools of yourselves (HAHAHAHAHA NO TRUST WHATSOEVER) If any of my fellow Insticators are heading out tomorrow, make me proud. I know you'll be the level headed ones judging everyone else. I love you guys.

Catfish Clusterf***

Have you guys heard of MTV’s Catfish? I’ll admit, when my friend first told me about it I thought it was another 'rednecks catching fish' show (which I don’t understand how these are still on the air.) She insisted the show was “nuts” and was about people in online relationships who have never met. I filed it away in the back of my mind, and it popped up again this past Saturday when I noticed the show was running a marathon. I figured ‘what the heck’ and hunkered down to see what the hype was about.

Dear mother of God…


Look, if you’ve been “dating” someone online for an extended period of time and they keep coming up with excuses as to why they can’t meet, (or even video chat, I mean COME ON) your B.S. detector should immediately sound off. Some of these people are in these online relationships for 10 years. 10 YEARS. How in the hell do you go 10 years without meeting the person you’re “dating”?

In the first episode, we meet Sunny who thinks she is "dating" this guy:

I'd tap that

I'd tap that

Without having any sort of face to face interaction, Sunny and Jamison have already discussed marriage and babies. What mythical land do these people come from that you can decide to have babies with someone you've never met? Does this work with celebrities? In that case, I am going to have British actor Benedict Cumberbatch's babies.

Ben, you are going to get me pregnant and I am going to give you babies. This is the way it works now.

Ben, you are going to get me pregnant and I am going to give you babies. This is the way it works now.

Now remember who Sunny thought she was dating? (Seriously, how could you forget, I just posted a picture of him not 2 minutes ago. Scroll up for a reminder, damn...) Turns out this is Jamison:

Looks like a member of Honey Boo Boo's family, no?

Looks like a member of Honey Boo Boo's family, no?

Turns out Jamison is actually Chelsea, who has been doing this to other people for 4 years. Sure, you can argue that she's doing this because she's been made fun of her whole life and sees this as a way to have power over people, but WTF!? That's time and energy I need to direct towards having Cumberbatch's babies (I'm gonna get them babies, Benny)  or at the very least, finding the cure for cancer.

Now you get the gist of it. Thus far, all of these people are not whom they appear to be, leading to heartbreak and humiliation  on the innocent party's side. There is a cure for that.

This, and maybe some damn common sense 

This, and maybe some damn common sense 

My jaw didn't really drop till episode episode 4, which made me lose all hope in humanity (just kidding, never had any in the first place!) 

We meet Jasmine, who has been in an online relationship with Mike, for 2 years. This is Mike:

I would also tap this

I would also tap this

Jasmine goes on to say how Mike is so special because he really understands her and a bunch of other shit you'd find in a cheap romance novel. When our team does a little investigating, they see Mike is Facebook friends with Triggs, Jasmine's ex. He's also Facebook friends with a girl named Ceena who writes on his wall, and the team give her a call. Ceena says that Mike is engaged and has 2 children. 

Something isn't right here.

Someone call Sherlock Holmes, we got a mother-flippin' mystery on our hands.

Someone call Sherlock Holmes, we got a mother-flippin' mystery on our hands.

A meeting is finally set up between the two. Guys, meet Mike:

That's funny, you don't look like a Mike

That's funny, you don't look like a Mike

Now you're saying "big deal, you already told us about a guy really being a girl." Nah, gather round little ones while I give you the deets.

This is Mhissy (who the hell names their kid that?) Mhissy and Jasmine know each other. Primarily because Mhissy is dating Jasmine's ex, Triggs. I'll give you a moment to figure that out and let it settle in.

Ready to continue?

Jasmine and Mhissy once met at the mall and exchanged phone numbers. They got to talking about who they're "talking to" (for whatever insane reason, this is slang for "dating," which is confusing because the two girls are talking to each other...) Apparently, Mhissy was hanging out with Triggs. She asked Jasmine to stop getting in contact with him, and when she wouldn't stop, Mhissy made a plan to get Jasmine off Triggs back. You know what that means?

It means this crazy bitch made a fake Facebook account for Mike, a fake Facebook account for Ceena (oh yeah, she played that role too) and kept this pseudo-relationship up with Jasmine for 2 years. I don't give a rats ass (not like I have any lying around to give) that Mhissy lost her baby when she was 16 or that her sister is in jail for attacking their mother. Look, I have a lot of people I don't care for (and they know who they are ) but to keep up a lie for 2 years, day in and day out, is exhausting. AND RIDICULOUS. 

Will I continue to watch this show? You bet. I can only hope and pray that the confrontations yield even more absurd results.