Welly, welly, welly, didn’t see this one coming! It looks like Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back together -- just in time to attend the Breaking Dawn: Part 2 Premiere together (how convenient.) Sure, it’s heartwarming and true love is not a lie and OMG what will they wear to the premiere, and all that, it does kindaaaaaaa raise some eyebrows.
So, here’s an open letter to Rob and Kristen. Hope they respond!
Dear Kstew and Rpatz,
Look, we know the whole “Kristen is a cheating whore” and “I’m a sad bastard” thing was lie. It’s fine, we get it, you both needed a little publicity (I mean, why else would anyone else go see fucking Cosmopolis,) but at this point guys, the jig is up.
What’s that? You’re shocked that we would ever accuse two media whores like yourselves of being media whores? To be honest, I wanted to believe that Kristen was the sluttiest of them all, I really, truly did. But, alas, Hansel and Gretel, we found your breadcrumbs (or whatever.) Here’s what tipped us off:
Kristen, that was a very weird apology.
I mean, come on guys, you have quite literally never, not once, discussed your relationship publicly until Krissy decided to very publicly (and quite bizarrely, if you ask me) apologize to you Rob. That is some timing! And you know, as if your sudden desire to discuss your relationship wasn’t suspect enough, you did lay it on pretty thick. I mean “This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m sorry” ?? Who talks like that. Rob, we’re all for self-aggrandizing here at Insticator (we fucking live for it,) but come onnnnnn, you might as well have had Stephenie Meyer write that for you.
Gotta love a good Conspiracy Theory
So, I’m a big, big fan of conspiracy theories in general (Princess Di is alive and well and just wanted out of the spotlight, just FYI) so when a viral video popped up online poking holes in the validity of those infamous Kristen and Rupert pics, I naturally had a look. And while sure, whoever made the video isn’t a master editor and doesn’t have a very good command of the English language, they did bring up some good points. Particularly, Kristen, that you’re only 5’6” but Rupert is well over 6 feet tall... so it’s curious that you guys look the exact same height in the photos.
That Press Tour Rob, Come ON
I mean, Robert, the timing of your press tour alone was enough for me to be pretty fucking sure that Kristen never cheated on you and that it was all big on PR stunt. And oh, how convenient, you’re so heartbroken that you can’t talk about Kristen or anything Kristen-related, the only thing at all that people can ask you about is Cosmopolis. I get it, in a world where you didn’t fabricate a cheating scandal you would have to spend every interview holding back laughter while you talked about the cinematic achievements of the Twilight Saga, and how it really is the source material, Stephenie Meyer’s tomes that really give the movies their heart. But, if your GF bangs some old dude with a wife, suddenly they throw a pity party for you and let you talk about whatever you want, while you get to be sheepish and British and attractive and so hurt that everyone feels sorry enough for you that they actually consider going to see Cosmopolis.
Kristen, cool it with wearing Rob’s clothes
To be honest, K, the first time I saw a pic of you in Rob’s old shirt it kind of broke my heart. That poor pathetic little lamb must be so saaadddddddd after she fucked it up with her One True Love, the only thing she has left of him is some ugly shirt. Then, of course, I snapped to it and remembered that you were a liar (if not a cheat) and master manipulator and that’s exactly what you wanted me to think. So yeah, well played, but also maybe a little too heavy handed on the media whoring.
OMG YOU WERE GONNA PROPOSE, ROB
Look, dude, those people who bought the whole thing already felt bad enough for you. But having “sources close to Rob” leak that you were about to propose? I mean, come on. You’re already getting the press tour of your dreams and have gotten a ton more buzz for the new (and thankfuckfully final) Twilight movie, did you really need to lay it on that thick?
Anyway, Rob and Kris, while I don’t approve of your weird nonsense lies (and also I think you owe an apology to some very Twihards who were very, very devastated,) I do hope that this works out for you. Or, I guess that’s an overstatement, it would be fine by me if it did work out. I mean, honestly, I don’t really care, but from both of your demeanors, I doubt you really do anyway.